Impossible To Love 8

As soon as I drove back into the compound, I saw him sitting on the floor just outside the front door. He must have driven home immediately after sending me that ridiculous text message. I braced myself as soon as I parked the car. I definitely had nothing to say to him. 

He started to walk up to me,

“I am sorry baby, what happened? Did you do it?” he was begging as I walked on not stopping until I reached the front door. I turned to him once I reached the door, I said, 

“Like you implied in your text, it’s my choice whatever I choose to do. Do not even bother to ask me what I did’’, I walked inside and slammed the door shut.

 I waited for sometime expecting him to walk in and follow me, but when I heard the sound of his car driving away; I knew he had left me again. I felt so deflated. As angry as I was, I still wanted him to beg me. I still wanted him to want to work hard on our marriage. After all, I had decided not to have an abortion in order to try and disappoint King. I figured if having an abortion was going to make him happy, he was in for a big surprise.

I woke up the next morning feeling some cramps and slight back aches. I struggled out of bed and got into the shower hoping to find some relief but it got worse. I was still in the shower when I felt the first blood clot dropping. The stomach pain was getting worse. I rushed out of the shower and hastily wore a dress. It was one of those days I truly regretted my situation. Living alone can be a nightmare. I grabbed my car keys and drove as fast as I could to the hospital. I was seriously hoping I did not just have a miscarriage. By the time I got to the hospital, I was bleeding profusely and the sanitary pads I used were absolutely inadequate. I was immediately rushed to an emergency room and everything else from that point was a blur.

 I sent a text message to my mum about my situation an hour later when I was being wheeled to the theatre for an emergency dilation and curettage. I had a miscarriage and they had to clean up my insides to avoid remnants. I was informed I was actually expecting twins and to think that I just lost them both. The pain was unbearable as they did the whole procedure. I had specifically refused any anaesthetics. I deserve whatever pain I was feeling, I was convinced that trying to abort my babies was what caused my abortion. They felt unwanted. I knew deep down in my mind I could never have gone through with it. Five minutes of excruciating pains later, I was wheeled into a room to rest and my mum was already waiting. I felt empty. My children had gone because they felt all the hate and negativity in my marriage. I was absolutely inconsolable. My mum sat on the hospital bed with me holding my hands and trying to tell me everything was okay and others will come.

With tears in my eyes, “mum I killed them, I killed them, I killed them....” I kept ranting till sleep took over.

 I woke up about 4 hours later still in the hospital. My mum was sitting in the chair by my bedside.

“How are you feeling now darling?”

“The pain is gone, I just feel a bit tired.”

“Don’t worry my dear; you’ll have many more children for your husband. Let us call him and tell him, give me his Kenyan number.”

“Mum you cannot call him”, the tears started afresh. I was crying for all the pain this so called marriage had caused me.

“Why not? He needs to know and he needs to come home to his wife at this time.”

I finally got tired of all the cover ups. I had bottled up so much in the last two years and I could not do it any longer. “Mum, King is not in Kenya. He left me.”

The shock was evident on her face even though she tried her best to mask it. “What do you mean he left you?”

I started at the very beginning and began to tell her every single detail of my marriage in the last two years.